I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
