why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
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