Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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