dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize