She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
