Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
