im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
