Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
