apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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