The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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