my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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