yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
