Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
