if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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