He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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