I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
