Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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