I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
