I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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