I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
