I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
