Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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