Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
