I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
two words: eviction party
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
