1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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