Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
did i walk over a car last night?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
