i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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