She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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