i wish starbucks made bloody marys
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
