i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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