just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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