if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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