new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
