Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
