everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
