is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
