Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
