The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
