she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
