She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
