My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I need a beard to bite.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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