I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
