I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
