he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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