The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
