Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
