So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
