Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i need an iv and a liver transplant
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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