I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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