We won't sleep together?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
