she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
