By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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