I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
