she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
