Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
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