So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
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