The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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