i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
