In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
