is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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