I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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