im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
