Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
