it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
They have beer where we have blood.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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