I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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